My Spaceball Dad

My dad and I loved the Mel Brooks movie "Spaceballs!" It was just our kind of humor. It was "our" movie. He bought it when it first came out on VHS and then bought each of us a copy when it was released on DVD. We would quote it continually, it drove my mom NUTS. She couldn't even stand to watch it, while we would be crying hysterically at various random points. I know no one but us has an interest in the movie, but in memory of my Daddy, I am posting the script. I don't know if I'll ever be able to watch that movie again, but I will be able to look over this blog and remember... My dad died Oct 26th, almost 3 weeks ago. I am 32, he was 55. It was totally unexpected and I was not ready to lose him. I miss him every hour of every day...

A very close friend of mine recommended I blog to release all my pent-up emotions, but even as I type this now, I am not ready. Not just yet. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, who knows?


SPACEBALLS
Once upon a time warp. . . .In a galaxy very, very, very, very, far away, there lived a ruthless race of beings known as . . . Spaceballs.Chapter ElevenThe evil leaders of Planet Spaceball, having foolishly squandered their precious atmosphere, have devised a secret plan to take every breath of air away from their peace-loving neighbor, Planet Druidia.Today is Princess Vespa's wedding day. Unbeknownst to the princess, but knowest to us, danger lurks in the stars above. . .If you can read this, you don't need glasses.
EXT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACESPACEBALL 1 passes by at a slow speed. It takes the ship about two minutes to pass. At the end of the ship is a bumper sticker that says, WE BRAKE FOR NOBODY.
INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACECol Sandurz is standing in the front of the ship.
RICO
Colonel Sandurz.
COL SANDURZ
What is it, Sergeant Rico?
RICO
You told me to let you know the moment Planet Druidia was in sight, sir.
COL SANDURZ
So.
RICO
Planet Druidia is in sight, sir.
COL SANDURZ
You're really a Spaceball. You know that, don't you?
RICO
Thanks, sir.
COL SANDURZ
Have you notified Lord Helmet?
RICO
Yes, sir. I took the liberty. He's on his way.
VOICE (O.S.) MAKE WAY FOR DARK HELMET.
COL SANDURZ
All rise in the presence of Dark Helmet.
A door opens revealing Dark Helmet, he resembles Darth Vader, walking toward camera. He stops in front of camera, and is having trouble breathing with the mask down.
DARK HELMET(pulls mask up)
I can't breathe in this thing.
COL SANDURZ
We're approaching Planet Druidia, sir.
DARK HELMET
Good. I'll call Spaceball City, and notify President Skroob immediately.
RICO
I already called him, sir. He knows everything.
DARK HELMET
What? You went over my helmet?
RICO
Well, not exactly over it, sir. More on the side. I'll always call you first. It'll never happen again. Never, ever!
DARK HELMET(puts on Schwartz ring)
RICO
Oh shit! No, no, no, no, no, please, no, no, please, no, not that. (covers his neck)
DARK HELMET(pulls mask down)
Yes. That. (shoots a green ray at Rico's crotch)
RICO
Whaoooooooo! Owwwwwwwwww!
DARK HELMET
GUARDS. Take him away.
DARK HELMET
Col Sandurz
COL SANDURZ (covers his crotch)
Sir?
DARK HELMET
I don't see Planet Druidia. Where is it?
COL SANDURZ
We don't have visual contact yet, sir, but we have it on the radar screen. Shall I punch it up for you?
DARK HELMET
Na, nevermind. I'll do it myself.
Dark Helmet and Col Sandurz walk to the radar screen. Dark Helmet stops in front of the coffee maker.
COL SANDURZ
Very good, sir.
DARK HELMET
What's the matter with this thing? What's all that churning and bubbling? You call that a radar screen.
COL SANDURZ
No, sir. We call it, "Mr. Coffee." (points at label, "Mr. Coffee") Care for some?
DARK HELMET
Yes! I always have coffee when I watch radar. You know that.
COL SANDURZ
Of course I do, sir.
DARK HELMET
Everybody knows that.
EVERYBODY(covers their crotch)
Of course we do, sir.
DARK HELMET(takes coffee)
Now that I have my coffee, I'm ready to watch radar. Where is it?
COL SANDURZ(points to label "Mr. Radar")
Right here, sir.
DARK HELMET
Switch to teleview.
RADAR changes to a picture of Planet Druidia.
DARK HELMET
There it is, Planet Druidia, and underneath the air shield, ten thousand years of fresh air. We must get through that air shield.
COL SANDURZ
We will, sir. Once we kidnap the princess, we will force her father, King Roland, to give us the combination to the air shield. Thereby destroying Planet Druidia and saving Planet Spaceballs.
DARK HELMET
Everybody got that. Good! When will the princess be married?
COL SANDURZ
Within the hour, sir.
DARK HELMET
Well, I hope it's a long ceremony, 'cause it's gonna be a short honeymoon. (takes a drink of coffee) Mmmmmmm, mmmmmm, mmmmmm.
Col Sandurz hits his back. Dark Helmet spits out coffee and his mask falls down.
DARK HELMET(mask down)
Hot! Too hot!
PLANET DRUIDIA - EXT. CHAPLE - DAY
Sign reads, "Today, the Royal Wedding of Princess Vespa to Prince Valium. Tomorrow, Bingo."
INT. CHAPLE - DAY
The Usher is fixing something on King Roland's outfit. Princess Vespa is pacing.
ROLAND
Oh, if only your mother were alive to see this day. All right, is everyone ready?
USHER
Yes, your majesty.
VESPA
No! Where's my droid of honor?
USHER
Oh dear, yes. Where's Dot? Dot? Dot Matrix? Oh, thank god. Where've you been?
DOT
Here I am. I'm sorry. I had to make a pit stop. I'm so excited, I couldn't hold my oil.
USHER
All right, people. It's magic time.
ROLAND
All right, everyone, starting on the left foot. (puts his right foot out)
VESPA
Daddy that's your right foot.
ROLAND
It's too late. Keep going.
They start walking down the aisle. The organ is playing "Here Comes the Bride."
VESPA(stops)
Daddy.
Organ player stops.
VESPA
Must I go through with this.
ROLAND
I'm sorry, my dear, you have to.
They start walking again. The organ starts up again.
VESPA(stops)
But, daddy.
Organ stops again.
VESPA
I don't love him.
ROLAND
I'm sorry, Vespa, he's the last prince left in the galaxy.
VALIUM(yawns)
They reach the altar.
MINISTER
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here on this most joyous occasion, to witness Princess Vespa, daughter of King Roland....
VESPA starts running toward the door, while Dot is dragging behind.
MINISTER
....going right past the alter, heading down the ramp, and out the door.
ROLAND
Stop her! Someone, stop her! Stop her!
EXT. CHAPEL - DAY
VESPA and DOT come out of the chapel. They head for the getaway car.
DOT
Hey wait! You forgot to get married. Will you stop?
They get to the car. VESPA opens the door.
DOT
What are you doing?
VESPA(starts to get in the getaway car)
No questions, Dot. Get in.
Car starts up, and the ramp starts to tilt upward. Everyone else comes out of the chapel.
ROLAND
What is she doing? Where is she going?
The car takes off toward space.
VALIUM
Come baaaaack! (yawns while saying back)
INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE
The Eagle 5 is a Winnebago with wings. BARF is eating ice cream and dancing to music. BARF is a mog. He's half man, half dog. LONE STARR is at the wheel, asleep. LONE STARR is drunk. He is a normal human. "AUTOMATIC PILOT" is flashing. The phone starts ringing.
LONE STARR(wakes up)
Barf. Barf. Barf!
BARF
Huh?
LONE STARR (O.S)
Barf!
BARF
Always when I'm eating.
BARF puts down the ice cream, and picks up some Milkbones.
LONE STARR
Barf!
BARF
What can I do you for, boss?
LONE STARR
Where ya been?
BARF
Oh, just grabbin' myself a snack. You want some? (offers a Milkbone to Lone Starr)
LONE STARR
No!
BARF
C'mon. A little hair of the dog.
LONE STARR
Answer that for me. Will ya?
BARF
Ah, sure. (hits Lone Starr with his tail)
LONE STARR
Will you watch that thing?
BARF
Oh, sorry. I'll just put it on audio. That way they won't see ya. (hits the video switch) Yello.
VINNIE appears on the screen. VINNIE is a half robot, half man.
VINNIE
Hello, Lone Starr.
BARF
Sorry, wrong switch.
LONE STARR
Hello, Vinnie, what do you want?
VINNIE
No, no, no, no, no. It's not what I want. It's what he wants.
BARF & LONE STARR
Pizza the Hut.
PIZZA THE HUT is half man, half pizza.
PIZZA
Well, if it isn't Lone Starr, and his side kick, Puke.
BARF
That's Barf.
PIZZA
Barf, Puke, whatever. Where's my money?
LONE STARR
Don't worry, Pizza. You'll have it by next week.
PIZZA
No, no. I gotta have it by tomorrow.
LONE STARR
A hundred thousand spacebucks, by tomorrow?
PIZZA
A hundred thousand? Ha, ha, ha. No way. You forgot late charges, which brings it up to, um, one million spacebucks.
LONE STARR
A million? That's unfair.
PIZZA
Unfair to pay all, but enough to pay eee, but you gonna pay it, or else.
BARF
Or else what?
PIZZA
Tell 'em, Vinnie.
VINNIE
Or else Pizza is gonna send out for you.
VINNIE & PIZZA(laughs)*****++++++huh missed somethins+++++*****
VINNIE
takes a lick off of Pizza.
VINNIE
Mmmm. You're delicious.
PIZZA
Chow, boys.
INT. VESPA'S CAR - SPACE VESPA is listening to music in headphones.
DOT
Can we talk? Okay, we all know Prince Valium is pilled, but you could've married him for your father's sake, and have a headache for the next 25 years.
VESPA
can't hear her.
DOT
Will you turn that thing off.
VESPA
What? (takes off the headphones) What is it?
DOT
I was saying, do realize what you've done.
VESPA
Yes, and I'm glad. Glad, glad, glad, glad, glad. (puts the headphones back on)
DOT
I wonder if she's glad.
SPACEBALL CITY - INT. PRESIDENT SKROOB'S OFFICE - NIGHT SKROOB is talking to someone on the phone.
SKROOB
Don't be ridiculous. As president of Planet Spaceball, I can assure both you and your viewers, that there is absolutely no air shortage whatsoever. Yes, of course, I've heard the same rumor myself. Thanks for calling, and not reversing the charges. Bye. (hangs up phone) Shithead.
He opens a desk drawer. It has a lot of cans in it. He takes one and opens it. The can says, "Perrier Salt-Free Air." He starts breathing the air.
COMMANDERETTE(appears on the wall)
President Skroob.
SKROOB(throws can behind him and closes the drawer)
Yes.
COMMANDERETTE
This is Central Control, Spaceball Commanderette Zarican speaking, sir.
SKROOB
Yes, what is it Commanderette?
COMMANDERETTE
Lord Helmet has informed us that Princess Vespa is in sight, and Spaceball 1 is closing in on her.
SKROOB
Good, good.
COMMANDERETTE
We have both ships coming up on the teledar, sir, if you wish to observe.
SKROOB
I'll be down immediately.
COMMANDERETTE
Shall I have Snotty beam you down?
SKROOB
I don't know about that beaming stuff. Is it safe?
COMMANDERETTE
Oh yes, sir. Snotty beamed me twice last night. It was wonderful.
SKROOB
All right, I take a shot at it. What the hell, it works on Star Trek. (steps into the beaming pod)
COMMANDERETTE
Snotty, beam him down.
SNOTTY(O.S.)
Yes, sir. Immediately, sir.
SKROOB beams out of his office.
INT. CENTRAL CONTROL - NIGHT SKROOB reappears. His head is on backwards.
VOICE (O.S.)
Gees feesetes, what's happened to his head?
COMMANDERETTE
It's on backwards.
SKROOB
This is terrible. Do something.
SNOTTY
I'm sorry, sir. There must have been a microconverter malfunction.
SKROOB
(lifts up the tail on his suit) Why didn't somebody tell me ass was so big.
Everyone else looks and snickers.
SNOTTY
Hold on, sir. We'll try and reverse the beam. Could be the interlocking system.
SKROOB scratches his leg.
SNOTTY
(flipping switches) Lock 1, Lock 2, Lock 3, Lock lone.
SKROOB
beams out.
INT. PRESIDENT SKROOB'S OFFICE - NIGHT SKROOB reappears, back to normal. COMMANDERETTE appears on the wall.
COMMANDERETTE
Are you all right, Mr. President.
SKROOB
Fine, fine, no thanks to you.
COMMANDERETTE
We'll beam you back, sir.
SKROOB
Forget it. Forget it. No more beaming. This time I'm gonna walk. (walks through the door)
INT. CENTRAL CONTROL - NIGHT
COMMANDERETTE
President Skroob, Salute.
ALL(salute)
Hail Skroob!
SKROOB salutes.
CHARLENE & MARLENE
Hello, President Skroob.
SKROOB
Oh, uh. Hello, Charlene.
MARLENE
I'm Marlene.
SKROOB
Hello, Marlene.
CHARLENE
I'm Charlene.
SKROOB
Chew your gum. Where's the Princess.
COMMANDERETTE
Right there, sir. On the left side of the screen of the screen, approaching Spaceball 1, at fifteen hundred light leagues per minute.
SKROOB
Good, good. She almost in our grasp. Tell Dark Helmet he must take the Princess alive.
>
EXT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE In front of Spaceball 1 is Vespa's car.
INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE COL SANDURZ and DARK HELMET are standing in the front.
COL SANDURZ
Princess Vespa's spaceship within range, sir.
DARK HELMET(mask down)
Good. Fire a warning shot across her nose.
Guns start firing.
INT. VESPA'S CAR - SPACE VESPA takes off the headphones. The car is shaking.
VESPA
What's going on?
DOT
It either the 4th of July, or someone trying to kill us.
VESPA
Hey! I don't have to put up with this. I'm rich. (picks up phone)
DOT
What you doing?
VESPA
I'm calling my father. 1-800-DRUIDIA. (dials the phone)
INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE
DARK HELMET(lifts up mask)
Careful, you idiot. I said across her nose, not up it.
GUNNER(lifts up eye guard)
Sorry, sir. (he is cross-eyed) Doing my best.
DARK HELMET
Who made that man a gunner?
MAJOR
I did, sir. He's my cousin. (he is cross-eyed, too)
DARK HELMET
Who is he?
COL SANDURZ
He's an Asshole, sir.
DARK HELMET
I know that. What's his name?
COL SANDURZ
That is his name, sir. Asshole, Major Asshole.
DARK HELMET
And his cousin?
COL SANDURZ
He's an Asshole, too, sir. Gunner's-mate, 1st Class, Philip Asshole.
DARK HELMET
How many Assholes we got on this ship, anyhow?
All, but few, stand up.
ALL
Yo!
DARK HELMET
I knew it. I'm surrounded by Assholes. (pulls down mask) Keep firing, Assholes.
INT. VESPA'S CAR - CAR VESPA is on the phone.
VESPA
Hurry, Daddy, hurry. They're laser blasts all around us. I'm so scared.
>
EXT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE
ROLAND'S VOICE
King ROLAND to Lone Starr. King ROLAND to Lone Starr. Are you there?
INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE LONE STARR and BARF are talking to ROLAND on the phone.
ROLAND
Lone Starr, you've got to help me. Please, save my daughter. She's being attacked by Spaceballs.
LONE STARR
Spaceballs? Forget it. Too dangerous. Besides, I'm already numero uno on Dark Helmet's hit list.
BARF
Look, your highness, it's not that we're afraid. Far from it. It's just we got this thing about them. It's not us.
ROLAND
Please, you must. You're the only ones who can save her. I'll give anything. Did you her me? Anything.
BARFAnything?
ROLAND
Yes! Anything!
LONE STARR
Okay, we'll do it for a million.
ROLAND
A million?
BARF
Whoa, you startin' to fade here. We're losing picture, your highness.
ROLAND
All right, all right, I'll pay it. Only find her, save her.
LONE STARR
All right, King, you just made a deal.
BARF
One princess for one million spacebucks.
LONE STARR
What's she drivin'?
ROLAND
A brand new, white Mercedes, 2001 SEL Limited Edition. Moon roof, all leather interior. I got it at a very good price. I paid cash. My cousin, Prince Murray, has a dealership in the valley. He was very nice to me.
LONE STARR
We get the idea. Where was she last seen.
ROLAND
She was just passing Jupiter 2.
LONE STARR
We'll find her.
ROLAND
Please, bring her back safely. And, if it's all possible, try to save the car. (disappears off T.V.)
BARF
One million spacebucks. We'll be able to pay off Pizza the Hut.
LONE STARR
Gimmie paw.
LONE STARR & BARF(howl like a dog)
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
INT. VESPA'S CAR - SPACE Spaceball 1 fires their magnetic beam at Vespa's car.
VESPA
What's happening? What's that glow? We're not moving.
DOT
Oh, we're moving all right, backwards.
INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE
LONE STARR
Look, there's our princess. She's got company.
BARF
Oh, no, Spaceballs. And they've already got her in their magnetic beam. Oh, well, we're too late. What a shame. I'll just throw her in reverse, and we'll get outta here. (reaches for the reverse switch)
LONE STARR
(stops him) Barf. No. Bad.
BARF
Oh, what are we doing risking our lives for a runaway princess? I know we need the money...
LONE STARR
Listen. We're not just doing this for money. We're doing it for a shit load of money!
BARF
Oh, you're right, and when you're right, you're right, and you, you're always right. Okay, we save her, but how? The minute we move in there, they're spot us on their radar.
LONE STARR
Uh-uh.
BARF
Uh-huh.
LONE STARR
Uh-uh.
BARF
Uh-huh.
LONE STARR
Uh-uh, not if we jam it.
BARF
Ah, ha! You're right.
LONE STARR
Down scope.
BARF
Down scope.
The scope comes down. BARF looks through the scope and focuses on the radar.
BARF
Radar, about to be jammed.
Jam comes flying and crashes the radar.
INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE The radar is screwing up. The RADAR TECHNICIAN is trying to figure out the problem.
RADAR TECH.
(he is making the sound effects) Shit. (makes more sound effects and dials phone) Sir? (in microphone)
COL SANDURZ
What is it?
RADAR TECH. (O.S.) (in microphone)
Can I talk to for a minute, please, sir.
COL SANDURZ and DARK HELMET (walk over to him)
COL SANDURZ
Well.
RADAR TECH. (in microphone)
I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.
COL SANDURZ
You don't need that, Private, we're right here. (hangs up microphone) Now, what is it?
RADAR TECH. (in microphone voice)
I'm having trouble with radar, sir.
DARK HELMET (rips out the microphone-mask up)
Now, what is it?
RADAR TECH.
I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.
DARK HELMET
What's wrong with it?
RADAR TECH.
I've lost the bleeps, I've the lost the sweeps, and I've lost the creeps.
DARK HELMET
The what?
COL SANDURZ
The what?
DARK HELMET
And the what?
RADAR TECH.
You know. The bleeps, (makes bleeps sounds) the sweeps, (makes sweeps sounds) and the creeps. (makes creeps sounds)
DARK HELMET
(to Sandurz) That's not he's lost.
RADAR TECH.
Sir. The radar, sir. It appears to be....
Jam starts dripping down the screen.
RADAR TECH.
....jammed.
DARK HELMET
Jammed? (takes a taste of the jam) Raspberry. There's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry. (pulls down mask) Lone Starr!
CAMERA hits DARK HELMET. DARK HELMET falls backwards.
INT. VESPA'S CAR - SPACE Eagle 5 comes in on top of Vespa's car. There's a thump on the car.
VESPA
What was that?
BARF knocks on the door.
DOT
Nevermind that. What was that?
The roof opens revealing BARF smiling.
VESPA & DOT
Ah.
BARF
Hi.
VESPA
Who are you?
BARF
Barf.
DOT
Not in here, mister. This is a Mercedes.
BARF
Na, that's my name. Barf.
VESPA
Barf? What are you?
BARF
I'm a mog. Half-man, half-dog. I'm my own best friend.
VESPA
What do you want?
BARF
Your father hired Captain Lone Starr and me to save ya. C'mon, we gotta hop up this ladder and get outta here.
DOT
Go, hurry, quick, darling, follow the dog.
BARF
Mog. I'm a mog.
VESPA
Wait. What about my matched luggage?
BARF
starts whimpering.
EXT. EAGLE 5 - LADDER - SPACE VESPA is climbing up, followed by DOT, then BARF with a load of luggage.
DOT
Hey. Stop looking up my can.
BARF
Sorry.
INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACELONE STARR looks back at BARF. BARF still has a load of luggage on him.
LONE STARR
Checking in? What the hell is all that?
BARF(with strap in mouth)
It's her royal highness's matched luggage.
LONE STARR(O.S.)
What?
BARF(takes strap out of mouth)
Her royal highness's matched luggage.
LONE STARR
Matched luggage, huh? What's she think this is....
BARF hits him with tail.
LONE STARR
....a princess cruise.
BARF
Well, she wouldn't go without it.
LONE STARR
Oh, yeah? (picks up microphone)
BARF hits him again.
LONE STARR(in microphone)
Now hear this, as soon as we get outta hear, the first thing we do is dump the matched luggage.
DOT
What was that?
VESPA(turns on intercom)
Now you hear this, whoever you are, you will not touch that luggage, and furthermore, I want this pig-sty cleaned up. I will not be rescued in such filth.
LONE STARR(in microphone)
Listen. On this ship, I don't take orders, I give 'em. This is my dream boat, sweetheart.
VESPA
Sweetheart?
DOT
Uh-oh.
VESPA
How dare you speak to me that way. You will address me in the proper manner as your royal highness. I am Princess Vespa, daughter of Roland, King of the Druids.
LONE STARR
Oh. That's all we needed, a Drewish princess.
BARF
Funny. She doesn't look Drewish.
INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE Vespa's car is coming through the floor.
COL SANDURZ and DARK HELMET
come in.
DARK HELMET(mask down)
Now, we will show her who is in charge of this galaxy. GUARD cocks weapon.
DARK HELMET
Hold it. I'll handle this personally.
GUARD
Ya-ho, Lord Helmet.
DARK HELMET(looks at him)
So, Princess Vespa, you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of Planet Spaceball. Well, you were wrong. You are now our prisoner, and you will held hostage until such time, as all of the air is transferred from your planet to ours.
DARK HELMET opens the door and looks inside. He lifts his mask up.
DARK HELMET(mask up)
She's not in there.
ALL drop guns and cover their crotch.
VOICE (O.S.)
Radar repaired, sir. We're picking up the outline of a Winnebago.
DARK HELMET
Winnebago? Lone Starr. Lone Starr!
DARK HELMET bangs on the car. The door falls on him, pushing him inside.
INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE Spaceball 1 is coming on the radar.
LONE STARR
Uh-oh. Here comes the the bad year blimp.
BARF
We'd better get outta here in a hurry.
LONE STARR
Switch to secret hyperjets.
BARF
Switching to secret hyperjets.
LONE STARR(in microphone)
Buckle up back there, we're going into hyperactive.
INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACEDARK HELMET and COL SANDURZ are standing in front. EAGLE 5 is in front of them.
COL SANDURZ
We're closing in on them, sir. In less than minute, Lone Starr will be ours.
DARK HELMET(mask down)
Good. Prepare to attack.
COL SANDURZ
Prepare to attack.
DARK HELMET
On the count of three. One, two....
Eagle 5 takes off into hyperactive.
DARK HELMET
Wait. (lifts up mask) What happened? Where are they?
COL SANDURZ
I don't know, sir. They must have hyperjets on that thing.
DARK HELMET
And what have we got on this thing a quezinart.
COL SANDURZ
No, sir.
DARK HELMET
Well, find them catch them.
COL SANDURZ
Yes, sir. (over loudspeaker) Prepare ship for light speed.
DARK HELMET
No, no, no, light speed is too slow.
COL SANDURZ
Light speed, too slow?
DARK HELMET
Yes, we're gonna have to go right to ludicrous speed.
ALL gasp.
COL SANDURZ(gasp)
Ludicrous speed? Sir, we've never gone that fast before. I don't know if this ship can take it.
DARK HELMET
What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz, chicken?
COL SANDURZ(in high pitch)
Prepare ship, (back to normal) prepare ship for ludicrous speed. Fasten all seat belts, seal all entrances and exits, close all shops in the mall, cancel the 3-ring circus, secure all animals in the zoo....
DARK HELMET(takes the microphone)
Gimme that you petty excuse for an officer.
COL SANDURZ sits in his seat and buckles up.
DARK HELMET
(in microphone) Now hear this, ludicrous speed....
COL SANDURZ
Sir, hadn't you better buckle up.
DARK HELMET
Aah, buckle this. (into microphone) Ludicrous speed, Go!
The ship takes off. The display lights up: Light Speed, Ridiculous Speed, and then Ludicrous Speed. Helmet is being pulled back.
DARK HELMET
Whoaaa! What have I done? My brains are going into my feet.
INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACESpaceball 1 passes over them leaving a plaid shadow.
BARF
What the hell was that?
LONE STARR
Spaceball 1.
BARF
They've gone to plaid.
INT. SPACEBALL 1 SPACE
DARK HELMET
We passed them. Stop this thing.
COL SANDURZ
We can't stop. It's too dangerous. We have to slow down first.
DARK HELMET
Bullshit. Just stop this thing. I order you. Staaaaahhhhp!
COL SANDURZ pulls on emergency brake which reads, "Emergency Stop, never use." The ship stops and DARK HELMET goes flying into a panel.
COL SANDURZ(picks Helmet up)
Are you all right, sir?
DARK HELMET
Fine. How've you been?
COL SANDURZ
Fine, sir.
DARK HELMET
Good.
COL SANDURZ
It's a good thing you were wearing that helmet.
DARK HELMET
Yeah.
COL SANDURZ
What should we do now, sir?
DARK HELMET
Well, are we stopped?
COL SANDURZ
We're stopped, sir.
DARK HELMET
Good. Well, why don't we take a five minute break.
COL SANDURZ
Very good, sir.
DARK HELMET
Smoke if you got 'em. (falls forward)
INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE
LONE STARR
Take her out of hyperactive.
BARF
Takin' her out of hyperactive. (pulls down switch) Ah, congrads, boss, we did it. They must of overshot us by a week and a half.
LONE STARR
(laughs) Okay, let's set a course for Druidia.
BARF
Settin' a course for (Eagle 5 starts shaking) Drui, ie, ie, ie.
LONE STARR
What's that?
BARF
I don't know. I don't know. We're losing power. Why? 'Cause we're outta gas.
LONE STARR
We must've burned it up in hyperactive.
BARF
I told you we should've put more that five bucks worth in.
LONE STARR
Okay, we'll have to set her down. Prepare for emergency landing. Quick, give me a reading.
BARF
(prays) How, oh Father, be in heaven. Thou will be Thy name, by kingdom come....
LONE STARR
Will you stop that? (in microphone) Keep your seat belts fastened back there. You okay, princess.
VESPA
No, you idiot. Where'd you learn how to fly.
LONE STARR
Okay, Eagle 5, coming in.
MOON OF VEGA -
EXT. EAGLE 5 - DESERT - DAY Eagle 5 starts coming down on the sands of Vega. INT. EAGLE 5 - DESERT - DAY BARF is panicing.
BARF
Ahh. Left, right, I mean right. Pull up, pull up.
They crash on a sand dune.VESPA gets up.
DOT
Where you going?
VESPA
I'm going to tell him off once and for all.
DOT
Wwwwwwwait. We'll need him to get us outta here.
LONE STARR
Called me an idiot? I'm going back there and explain a few things to her.
DOT
Besides, he's gotta a sexy voice. He might be cute.
BARF
Yeah, but, you don't know what she looks like.
LONE STARR
I know what she looks like. If you've seen one princess, you've seen 'em all.
VESPA
Cute? I know these space bums. They're all alike. Fat, ugly....
LONE STARR
Bucked-toothed, knocked-knees....
VESPA
....bear-swilling, pigs.
LONE STARR
....horse-faced, space dogs. (gets up and goes to the back)
BARF
Yeah, well, I normally I'd, (gets up with seat belt still on) ow, that's gonna leave a mark.
VESPA
Now listen you....
LONE STARR
You listen. On this ship, you're to refer to me as idiot not you captain. I mean, you know what I mean.
VESPA
And you will not call me you. You will never address me as you. You will call me your royal highness.
LONE STARR
You are royal pain in the....
BARF
Whoa, hold it, time.
LONE STARR and VESPA
What?
BARF
May I make a small suggestion? Any minute now, Spaceballs is gonna make a major U-turn, head back this way, and make us all dead.
LONE STARR
He's right. Let's go.
VESPA
Wait. My things.
LONE STARR
Listen, you royal....
VESPA
Mmmm.
LONE STARR
....highness. Take only what need to survive.
BARF
Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.
DESERT - DAY VESPA is walking down with an umbrella. DOT is following her with a cart. LONE STARR and BARF are following with a trunk.
DOT
Please, slow down. I'm getting sand up my gears.
BARF
Gees. I hope she didn't forget anything.
LONE STAR
All right, wait a minute, Barf, put it down. What the hell's in this thing. LONE STARR opens the trunk and pulls out a huge hair dryer.
LONE STARR
What's this? I said take only what you need to survive.
VESPA
It's my industrial strength hair dryer, and I can't live without it.
LONE STARR
Okay, princess. That's it. The fairy-tale is over. Welcome to real-life. You want this hot-air machine, you carry it. (drops it in the sand)
VESPA
You pick that up.
LONE STAR
You pick that up.
VESPA
How dare you, you insolent peasant. Nobody talks to me that way. Nobody. Nobody. (echoes)
LONE STARR
Well, what have we got here? Will you look at her.
BARF
Oooooo.
LONE STAR
Those flashy eyes. Those flushy cheeks. Those trembling lips. You know something princess, you are ugly when you're angry.
DOT
Uh-oh.
VESPA
That's it. You and your dog are f....
BARF
Please, please. Total humans, droids, if I may. It's going to be very dark soon, so I suggest we find a place to camp for the night.
DOT
Come darling.
DOT and VESPA walk away pulling some luggage. LONE STARR and BARF walk off with the trunk. They leave the hair dryer behind.
LONE STARR
See, it's lighter.
BARF
Oh yeah. This is best. I could carry two or three of these.
INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE DARK HELMET, COL SANDURZ, and CORPORAL are watching the radar.
DARK HELMET
(mask down) Have you found them yet?
CORPORAL
No, Lord Helmet. They're still not on the scanners.
DARK HELMET
Well, keep looking for them. (drinks coffee through his mask)
COL SANDURZ
Pardon me, sir. I have an idea. Corporal, get me the video cassette of Spaceballs-the Movie.
CORPORAL
Yes, sir.
CORPORAL walks to a wall labeled, "Mr. Rental." The wall opens. He looks through the selections.
DARK HELMET
Colonel Sandurz, may I speak with you, please?
COL SANDURZ
Yes, sir.
DARK HELMET
(lifts up mask) How could there be a cassette of Spaceballs-the Movie. We're still in the middle of making it.
COL SANDURZ
That's true, sir, but there's been a new breakthrough in home-video marketing.
DARK HELMET
There has?
COL SANDURZ
Yes. Instant cassettes. They're out in stores before the movie is finished.
DARK HELMET
Naaaaa.
CORPORAL
Here it is, sir. Spaceballs.
COL SANDURZ
Good work, Corporal. Punch it up.
CORPORAL
starts the tape. It starts on the FBI Warning.
COL SANDURZ
Started much too early. Prepare to fast-forward.
CORPORAL
Preparing to fast-forward.
COL SANDURZ
Fast-forward.
CORPORAL
Fast-forwarding, sir.
He Starts fast-forwarding through the ludicrous speed scene. Helmet is thrown into the panel at a high-speed.
DARK HELMET
Nnnnno. Go past this, past this part. In fact, never play this again.
COL SANDURZ
Try here. Stop.
The movie stops at the exact same thing that is actually happening now. DARK HELMET looks at the camera, then he turns back to the monitor. COL SANDURZ looks at the camera when DARK HELMET looks back at the monitor, then he looks back at the monitor. DARK HELMET looks at the camera when COL SANDURZ looks back at the monitor. When DARK HELMET turns back, he waves his hand. He turns back to the camera.
DARK HELMET
What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?
COL SANDURZ
Now. You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now, is happening now.
DARK HELMET
What happened to then?
COL SANDURZ
We passed then?
DARK HELMET
When?
COL SANDURZ
Just now. We're at now, now.
DARK HELMET
Go back to then.
COL SANDURZ
When?
DARK HELMET
Now.
COL SANDURZ
Now?
DARK HELMET
Now.
COL SANDURZ
I can't.
DARK HELMET
Why?
COL SANDURZ
We missed it.
DARK HELMET
When?
COL SANDURZ
Just now.
DARK HELMET
When will then be now?
CORPORAL rewinds the tape. He stops at the point when LONE STARR, BARF, VESPA and DOT are walking through the desert.
COL SANDURZ
Soon.
DARK HELMET
How soon?
CORPORAL
Sir.
DARK HELMET
What?
CORPORAL
We've identified their location.
DARK HELMET
Where?
CORPORAL
It's the Moon of Vega.
COL SANDURZ
Good work. Set a course, and prepare for our arrival.
DARK HELMET
When?
CORPORAL
Nineteen-hundred hours, sir.
COL SANDURZ
By high-noon, tomorrow, they will be our prisoners.
DARK HELMET
Hoooooo. (mask falls down)
DESERT - NIGHT DOT is sleeping with a light going that says, "Sleep Mode." VESPA is cold and trying to keep warm. LONE STAR offers her his coat.
VESPA
No thank you. I'm perfectly all right.
LONE STARR
Take it. It's freezing (puts the jacket on her)
VESPA
If you insist. (smells the alcohol on the coat) Won't you be cold?
LONE STARR
Na, cold never bothers me.
VESPA
I can't seem to find Druidia.
LONE STARR
It's right there.
VESPA
Where?
LONE STARR
Right there. (points to a blue star) It's that bright, blue one, right there. See?
VESPA
Oh, yeah. But it's so far away.
LONE STARR
Don't worry. I'll get ya there.
VESPA
Which one's yours?
LONE STARR
Who knows.
VESPA
You don't know where your from?
LONE STARR
Not really. I was found on the doorstep of a monastery.
VESPA
Monastery? Where?
LONE STARR
Somewhere in the Ford Galaxy.
VESPA
Well, didn't the monks tell you who your parents?
LONE STARR
They couldn't. They took a vowel of silence. All I got was this.
He pulls a medallion out from his shirt. It has some type of writing.
LONE STARR
It was around my neck.
VESPA
What is it?
LONE STARR
I don't know. I've taken it to every wise man in the universe. No one can tell me what it means.
VESPA
It's beautiful. You know I.... It's beautiful.
LONE STAR puts the medallion back in his shirt.
LONE STARR
So, how come you ran away from your wedding?
VESPA
Well, if you must know, I wasn't in love with the groom.
LONE STARR
Why were you gonna marry him?
VESPA
Because, I'm a princess, and I have to marry a prince.
LONE STAR
Ah, and he doesn't do it for you, huh?
VESPA
No, he doesn't do it for me. I really must go back. I shouldn't have run away. I realize, now, that love is one luxury a princess cannot afford.
LONE STARR
You're probably right.
VESPA
I know, now, that I must live without love.
LONE STARR
I guess so.
VESPA
Besides, love isn't that important.
LONE STARR
Naaa, never was.
VESPA
I could be perfectly happy the rest of my life without love. (looks at him)
LONE STARR
Sure you could.
VESPA
Without physical contact.
LONE STARR
Yeah.
VESPA
Without being held. (moves closer to him)
LONE STARR
Yeah. (moves in closer)
VESPA
Or kissed.
VESPA and LONE STARR are about to kiss when an alarm starts going off. DOT'S Virgin Alarm is going off.
BARF
(wakes up) Abandon ship. Abandon ship. Women and mogs first.
DOT walks over to VESPA and LONE STARR.
DOT
We'll have none of that, mister. (to VESPA) How far did he get? Where'd he touch? Where'd he touch?
VESPA
Nothing happened.
LONE STARR
What the hell was that noise?
DOT
That was my Virgin Alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do. You get back to bed, miss. And as for you, sex-fiend....
LONE STAR
All right. All right. Let's all get some sleep. We gotta get moving before dawn.
BARF
Why so early?
LONE STARR
Because, we're in the middle of the desert, and we're not gonna get far once that blazing sun gets overhead.
DISSOLVE TO: A blazing sun.
BARF'S VOICE
Nice dissolve.
DESERT - MORNING LONE STARR is walking, followed by BARF, DOT, then VESPA. They are all getting tired.
LONE STARR
Water, water.
BARF
(panting) Water.
DOT
Oil, oil.
VEPSA
Room service, room service.
DISSOLVE TO: A blazing sun.DESERT - DAYLONE STARR is carrying VESPA. BARF is carrying DOT. VESPA and DOT are asleep. BARF and LONE STARR are really tired.
BARF
I can't, I can't, I can't go, I can't go any further. I can't go any further.
LONE STARR
Just one more dune to go.
BARF
Nope. you said that three dunes ago. I got no more left. Oh, waiter, check please. (falls down)
LONE STARR
Must go on. Must go on. Must go on. Who am I kidding. (drops VESPA then falls down)
The DINKS walk on the screen. They are short people with gold-brownish skin.
The DINKS
(sing) Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink....
The DINKS see LONE STARR, VESPA, BARF, and DOT lying on the ground. They go to their aid.
HEAD DINK
Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink.
The DINKS split up and start giving water and oil to VESPA, LONE STARR, BARF, and DOT
HEAD DINK (with Barf)
Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink. Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink.
BARF'S TAIL starts wagging.
HEAD DINK (with Barf)
Dink, dink, dink, dink.
BARF
Oh, thanks little guy. (starts lapping the water)
LONE STARR
Thank you.
HEAD DINK (with Barf)
Dink, dink, dink.
LONE STARR
Did I miss something? When did we get to Disneyland?
LONE STARR, VESPA, DOT, and BARF are being led by the DINKS to somewhere.
The DINKS
(sing) Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink.
DARK HELMET'S CRUISER - DAYDARK HELMET and COL SANDURZ are in a cruiser. DARK HELMET is standing up, looking though binoculars. He has different type of uniform with a different type of helmet.
DARK HELMET
(mask on) I don't see them, Sandurz.
COL SANDURZ
I've sent the troops on up to Vector 78, sir.
DARK HELMET
Good. Let's get moving.
COL SANDURZ
Yes, sir. Driver, prepare to move out.
DARK HELMET
What are you preparing. You're always preparing. Just go!
COL SANDURZ
Just go.
DRIVER
Yes, sir.
COL SANDURZ
Sir, shouldn't you sit down.
The cruiser takes off, and DARK HELMET is thrown in his seat.
EXT. TEMPLE - DAY The DINKS are opening a secret door in the sand, and lead LONE STARR, BARF, VESPA, and DOT inside. They walk down a set of stairs.
INT. TEMPLE - DAY
The DINKS
Dink, dink, dink. Dink, dink, dink.
BARF
What are they sayin'?
VESPA
Well, it's obvious they want us to go with them.
They start walking down a tunnel with a huge statue at the end.
VESPA
What is this place?
BARF
It looks like the Temple of Doom.
DOT
Sure ain't Temple Bethresel.
LONE STARR
C'mon. I think we'd better follow 'em.
Steam starts coming out of the ears of the statue.
BARF
Ah-oh. I think we woke it up.
DOT
Goodbye, folks. (turns around and starts running to the door) Let me know how it turns out.
VESPA
Comeback here
DOT
We need you.
LONE STARR
C'mon, we gotta keep going.
VESPA
What's gonna happen now?
LONE STARR
Don't ask, maybe it won't.
BARF
Well, what if it does? I don't about know about you, but I'm all for leaving. I think we oughtta get outta here....
Fire comes out of the statue's eyes.
LONE STARR, VESPA, DOT and BARF
Wow!
YOGURT'S VOICE
Silence! Who dares enter the sacred and awesome presence of the everlasting know-it-all, Yogurt.
LONE STARR, VESPA, DOT and BARF
Yogurt?
The bottom of the statue opens up. A small man about 3 feet tall comes out.
YOGURT
You heard of me?
LONE STARR
Heard of ya? Who hasn't of Yogurt?
VESPA
Yogurt, the wise.
DOT
Yogurt, the all powerful.
BARF
Yogurt, the magnificent.
YOGURT
Please, please, don't make a fuse. I'm just plain Yogurt.
LONE STARR
But you're the one....
YOGURT
Yes. I am the keeper of a greater magic. A power known throughout the universe, known as....
BARF
The force?
YOGURT
No. The Schwartz.
LONE STARR, VESPA, DOT and BARF
Schwartz?
YOGURT
Yes. The Schwartz.
He holds his Schwartz ring. His is different than the ring DARK HELMET has.
LONE STARR
But, Yogurt, what is this place? What is that you do here?
YOGURT
Merchandising.
BARF
Merchandising? What's that?
YOGURT
Merchandising. Come. I'll show. Open up this door.
DINKS open a slab in the wall. In it, is a whole bunch of "Spaceballs - The Movie" merchandise.
YOGURT
Ha, ha, ha, come. Walk this way. Take a look. We put the pictures name on everything. Merchandising. Merchandising. Where the real money from the movie is made. Spaceballs-the T-shirt, Spaceballs-the Coloring Book, Spaceballs-the Lunch box, Spaceballs-the Breakfast Cereal, Spaceballs-the Flame Thrower. (turns it on)
DINKS
Ooooooo.
YOGURT
The kids love this one. Last, but not least, Spaceballs - the Doll. (hold up a doll of himself) Me. (pulls on the string)
YOGURT
DOLL May the Schwartz be with you.
DINKS
giggle.
YOGURT
Adorable.
SPACEBALL CITY - INT. SKROOB'S BEDROOM - NIGHT MARLENE & CHARLENE are in Skroob's bed. SKROOB is under "Spaceballs - the Sheet" fondling the twins. MARLENE & CHARLENE Wew, wew, wew, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ohh, weeew....COMMANDERETTE appears on the wall.
COMMANDERETTE
President Skroob.
MARLENE & CHARLENE hide under the sheet. SKROOB comes out from under the sheet. He is holding a book upside-down.
SKROOB
What is it?
COMMANDERETTE
I have an urgent message from Lord Helmet. He's lost the princess.
SKROOB
Where?
COMMANDERETTE
Somewhere on the sands of Vega.
SKROOB
Tell him to comb the desert. Do you hear me? Comb the desert.
COMMANDERETTE
Yes, sir.
MOON OF VEGA - DESERT - DAY Six guards are moving large combs across the desert. DARK HELMET and COL SANDURZ are in the cruiser.
COL SANDURZ
Sir.
DARK HELMET
(mask off; in bullhorn) What?
COL SANDURZ
Are we being too literal.
DARK HELMET
(in bullhorn) No, you fool. We're following orders. We were told to comb the desert, so we're combing it.
DARK HELMET
puts down the bullhorn and shouts to the troopers.
DARK HELMET
(shouts) Found anything yet?
TROOPER WITH COMB
Nothing yet, sir.
DARK HELMET
(shouts) How about you?
TROOPER WITH 2ND COMB
Not a thing, sir.
DARK HELMET
(shouts) What about you guys?
TROOPER WITH MINI COMB
We ain't found shit.
INT. TEMPLE - DAYYOGURT and LONE STARR are standing in front the big statue. LONE STAR is showing YOGURT his medallion.
LONE STARR
It's a big mystery. None of the wise men can tell me what it means.
YOGURT
Wise men, pa sha. Wise guys, you mean. What do they know. Here, let me take a look. (he takes the medallion) Whuck, whuck, munuck, munck, muck, muck.
LONE STAR
You can read it?
YOGURT
No, I was just clearing my throat. Here, let me take look at this. Ohh, yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, of course.
LONE STARR
You understand it?
YOGURT
Yes.
LONE STAR
What's it say?
YOGURT
I cannot tell you that now. It will be revealed to you at the proper time.
LONE STARR
Great. (puts the medallion back in his shirt)
YOGURT
C'mon, don't be disappointed. Back to your Schwartz training. Here, take the ring. Point it at that big statue.
LONE STARR
(puts the ring on) Okay, but I still don't understand how I'm going to lift that big statue with this little ring.
YOGURT
Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz.
LONE STARR points the ring to statue.
YOGURT
C'mon, concentrate. Ooghuh, ooghugh. ooghuh.
The statue starts lifting off the ground.
YOGURT
LONE STARR, you're doing it. You're doing it. (laughs)
LONE STARR
I can't believe it. The Schwartz, it's working.
BARF
walks by the statue and puts his foot under it.
BARF
Hey, boss, how'd you do that?
LONE STARR
puts the ring down. The statue falls on Barf's toe.
BARF
Whaoooooooooooooo! Whao, whao, whao, ahhhh, who, who, whooo. . . .
YOGURT
Gimme the ring. Gimmie the ring.
YOGURT takes the ring from LONE STARR. He points it at the big statue. YOGURT Upsidasi, upsimasi, upsidaisy. The statue lifts up, and BARF lifts his foot out. It is big and flat.
BARF
Owwwwwww, ooooooooooohohoooooo, ooooooo....
LONE STARR
Sorry, Barf.
BARF
(growls) Oooooooooooooohohooooooo, oooooooooooohohooooooo.
EXT. TEMPLE - NIGHT DARK HELMET is standing next to the secret door. He can't see because it is covered in sand.
COL SANDURZ
is telling the troops what to do.
COL SANDURZ
Keep searching. (to Helmet) It's no use use, sir. We've searched everywhere.
DARK HELMET
(mask off) Wait. I feel the presence of the Schwartz.
COL SANDURZ
The Schwartz?
DARK HELMET
Yes. It's coming.... (gets his ring out of his pocket and puts it on)
COL SANDURZ
covers his crotch.
DARK HELMET
....from somewhere down....there.
COL SANDURZ
(bushes away the sand) You're right, sir. There's a secret entrance here. And look at this insignia, it's a Y.
DARK HELMET
Yogurt. Yogurt. I hate Yogurt. Even with strawberries.
COL SANDURZ
I'll call the attack squad, sir.
DARK HELMET
No, we can't go in there. Yogurt has the Schwartz. It's far too powerful.
COL SANDURZ
But, sir, your ring. Don't you have the Schwartz, too?
DARK HELMET
No, he got the up-side. I got the down-side. You see, there's two kinds of every Schwartz.
COL SANDURZ
Well, how are we gonna go in there and get her?
DARK HELMET
(flips his mask on) We will not go in there. She will come out to us. (holds up his ring)INT. TEMPLE - NIGHT VESPA is sleeping in a bed surrounded by candles. DOT is in Sleep Mode.
ROLAND'S VOICE
VESPA, VESPA, my child. Where are you?
VESPA
(wakes up) Daddy?
ROLAND'S VOICE
VESPA, it's your father, King Roland. Come to me.
VESPA
Daddy. Daddy, I hear you. I hear you. Where are you? (starts walking out the door)
ROLAND'S VOICE
Follow my voice. Come to me. Come to me.
DOT
(wakes up) VESPA, where are you going?
EXT. TEMPLE - NIGHTROLAND is standing outside in the desert.
ROLAND'S VOICE
VESPA, come to me.
VESPA
(opens the door and walks on the desert toward Roland) Daddy, is it really you?
ROLAND'S VOICE
Yes, my dear. I guarantee it. Would I lie?
VESPA
Daddy.
DOT walks out and turns on the Supervision Mode.
DOT
Oh, VESPA, don't.
When VESPA reaches to hug ROLAND, he turns into DARK HELMET.
VESPA
Ah! Ohhhhh. (faints and falls into Helmet's arms)
DARK HELMET
(mask down) Fooled you. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
A guard covers DOT's eyes and she shuts down. DARK HELMET Take them both aboard, and put the princess in my quarters. (hands her to Sandurz)
COL SANDURZ
Yes sir. (walks off screen with VESPA)
DARK HELMET
Now she is mine.
INT. TEMPLE - NIGHT
LONE STARR and BARF come from their room. The DINKS are dinking "They've taken the princess."
LONE STARR
What are they sayin'?
YOGURT
They've taken the princess.
LONE STARR and BARF run outside.
EXT. DESERT - NIGHTSpaceball 1 takes off toward space.
LONE STARR and BARF just now get out the door.
LONE STARR
Spaceballs, too late.
BARF
Don't worry, boss. We'll get her back.
DESERT - EAGLE 5 - NIGHT LONE STARR and BARF are getting ready to leave.
LONE STARR
Thanks for the gas, Yogurt.
YOGURT
You're welcome, and here. (throws a fortune cookie at LONE STARR) Just encase you get hungry.
LONE STARR
(catches it) A fortune cookie?
YOGURT
Yes. Remember, open it before you eat it.
LONE STAR
Thanks. Well, we'd better get going. I wonder, we will we ever see each other again.
YOGURT
Who knows. God willing we'll all meet again in Spaceballs II: The Search for More Money. Good-bye LONE STARR.
LONE STAR
Good-bye, Yogurt.
LONE STARR and YOGURT shake hands. When LONE STAR pulls his hand back, he pulls back the ring.
LONE STARR
The ring of the Schwartz. No, I can't take this.
YOGURT
Take it. Take it. You might need it.
LONE STARR
Thanks. I'll never forget you. Wish me luck. DINKS Dink, dink.
LONE STARR climbs into Eagle 5. It starts up and takes off toward space.
INT. SPACEBALL 1 - DARK HELMET'S ROOM - SPACE DARK HELMET is apparently talking to VESPA.
DARK HELMET
(mask up; talking in his mask down voice) So, Princess VESPA. At last, I have you in my clutches. To have my way with you. The way I want to.
He is playing with dolls.
DARK HELMET
(imitating VESPA ) No. No, please, leave me alone. (mask down voice) No you are mine. (imitating LONE STARR) Not so fast, Helmet. (mask down voice) LONE STARR (imitating LONE STARR) Yes, it's me. I'm here to save my girlfriend. Hi, honey. (mask down voice) Now you are going to die. (imitating LONE STARR) Oh, oh, ohhhh. (imitating Barf) Hey, what did you do to my friend? (mask down voice) The same thing I'm going to do to you, big boy. (imitating Barf) Oh, ohhh. (mask down voice) And you too. (imitating DOT) Oh, ohh. (mask down voice) Now, Princess VESPA, at last we are alone. (imitating VESPA) No, no, I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. Leave me alone....yet, I find you strangely attractive. (mask down voice) Of course you do. Drewish princesses are always attracted to money and power. And I have both, and you know it. (imitating VESPA) No, leave me alone. (mask down voice) No, kiss me. (imitating VESPA) No, yes, no, yes, yes, no, no, ah, oh, oh, oh, ah, ohh, oh, you're helmet is so big.
COL SANDURZ
opens the door behind him.
COL SANDURZ
Lord Helmet.
DARK HELMET
(holds all the dolls out of Sandurz's sight) What?
COL SANDURZ
You're needed on the bridge, sir.
DARK HELMET
Knock on my door. Knock next time.
COL SANDURZ
Yes, sir.
DARK HELMET
Did you see anything?
COL SANDURZ
No, sir. I didn't see you playing with your dolls again.
DARK HELMET
Good.
PLANET SPACEBALL - SPACEBALL CITY - INT. SKROOB'S BATHROOM - NIGHTSKROOB is standing in front of the toilet. He is peeing. His back is to the camera. COMMANDERETTE appears on the wall in front of him.
COMMANDERETTE
President Skroob.
SKROOB
(covers crotch) Aaa. I told you never to call me on this wall. This is an unlisted wall.
COMMANDERETTE
Sorry, sir, but it's very urgent. Princess VESPA has just been brought to your office, and Lord Helmet and Colonel Sandurz are awaiting you there.
SKROOB
All right, all right. Tell them I'll be right there.
COMMANDERETTE
Yes, sir. (salutes)
SKROOB returns salute. He realizes he uncovered his crotch. He covers it back up. COMMANDERETTE smirks and disappears off the wall. SKROOB flushes the toilet and walks out.
INT. SKROOB'S OFFICE - NIGHTDARK HELMET and COL SANDURZ are talking to ROLAND on the screen. Behind them is VESPA on a table turned vertically. Also is DR. SCHLOTKINS, GRETCHEN, and ARNOLD.
ROLAND
Helmet, you fiend, what's going on? What are you doing to my daughter?
DARK HELMET
(mask down) Permit me to introduce the brilliant, young plastic surgeon, Dr. Philip Schlotkins. The greatest nose-job man in the entire universe and Beverly-Hills.
SCHLOTKINS Your
highness.
ROLAND
Nose-job? I don't understand. She's already had a nose. It was a sweet- 16 present.
DARK HELMET
No, it's not what you think. It's much, much, worse. If you do not give me the combination to the air shield, Dr. Schlotkins will give your daughter back (holds up picture) her old nose.
VESPA
Nooooooooooooooooooo. Where did you get that?
ROLAND
All right, I'll tell. I'll tell.
VESPA
No, daddy, no. You mustn't.
ROLAND
You're right my dear. I'll miss your new nose. But I will not tell them the combination no matter what.
DARK HELMET
Very well. Dr. Schlotkins, do your worst.
SCHLOTKINS Your
My pleasure.The table turns horizontal.
VESPA
faints.
ROLAND
No, wait, wait. I'll tell. I'll tell.
DARK HELMET
I knew it would work.
DARK HELMET and COL SANDURZ go closer to the screen. COL SANDURZ is going to write the combination down.
DARK HELMET
All right, give to me.
ROLANDThe combination is (hesitates) one.
DARK HELMET
One.
COL SANDURZ
One. (writes)
ROLAND
Two.
DARK HELMET
Two.
COL SANDURZ
Two. (writes)
ROLAND
Three.
DARK HELMET
Three.
COL SANDURZ
Three (writes)
ROLAND
Four.
DARK HELMET
Four.
COL SANDURZ
Four. (writes)
ROLAND
(hesitates) Five.
DARK HELMET
Five.
COL SANDURZ
Five. (writes)
DARK HELMET
So the combination is one, two, three, four, five. (lifts mask) That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life. That's the kinda thing an idiot would have on his luggage.
COL SANDURZ
Thank you, your highness.
COL SANDURZ takes a remote out of his pocket, points it at the wall, and hits a button. Instead of turning off the wall, he turned off the whole movie. A blank screen appears. GRETCHEN is making sensual noises.
DARK HELMET
What'd you do?
COL SANDURZ
I turned off the wall.
DARK HELMET
No you didn't. You turned off the whole movie.
COL SANDURZ
Well I must have pressed the wrong button.
DARK HELMET
Well, turn it back on. Put the movie back on.
COL SANDURZ
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
The screen comes back on. DARK HELMET and COL SANDURZ are standing in front. SCHLOTKINS is kissing on GRETCHEN'S breasts. She is still making sensual noises.
DARK HELMET
We gotta get that thing fixed. We're back, and we have the combination. Schlotkins.
SCHLOTKINS
(turns around) What?
GRETCHEN zips up her dress.
DARK HELMET
We're done with you. Go back to the golf course and work on your puts.
SCHLOTKINS
Let's go Arnold. Come Gretchen. Of course, you know, I'll still have to bill you for this.
SCHLOTKINS, ARNOLD, and GRETCHEN walk out the door. GRETCHEN looks at DARK HELMET and COL SANDURZ before she walks out.
DARK HELMET
I bet she gives great helmet.
SKROOB walks in.
SKROOB
Well, did it work? Where's the king?
DARK HELMET
It worked, sir. We have the combination.
SKROOBGreat. Now we can take every last breath fresh air from planet Druidia. What's the combination?
COL SANDURZ
One, two, three, four, five.
SKROOB
One, two, three, four, five?
COL SANDURZ
That's amazing. I've got the same combination on my luggage. Prepare Spaceball 1 for immediate departure.
COL SANDURZ
Yes, sir.
SKROOB, COL SANDURZ, and DARK HELMET start walking out the door.
SKROOB
And change the combination on my luggage.
DARK HELMET
walks through the door. The door closes on him.
DARK HELMET
Aaaaaa.
PLANET SPACEBALL - INT. EAGLE 5 - NIGHT
LONE STARR and BARF are in the front. LONE STARR is driving.
BARF
There it is. Spaceball City straight ahead.
LONE STARR
Good. I'm takin' her in.
SPACEBALL CITY - EXT. PRISON BALL - NIGHTEAGLE 5 lands on the road. It is a no parking zone. Two DOOR GUARDS are standing at the door.
SLENDER DOOR GUARD
What the hell is that thing?
CHUBBY DOOR GUARD
It looks like a Winnebago with wings.
SLENDER DOOR GUARD
Gees. Hey you can't park here.
CHUBBY DOOR GUARD
Yeah, can't you guys read: No parking.
BARF opens the door and flips them off. He also makes kissing noises. BARF >is hinting they're lovers.
SLENDER DOOR GUARD
That son of a.... (cocks gun)
The SLENDER DOOR GUARD and CHUBBY DOOR GUARD go to the door that BARF went back in.
SLENDER DOOR GUARD
All right, hands up. You're under arrest for illegal parking.
CHUBBY DOOR GUARD
Yeah.
They walk in. The EAGLE 5 starts rocking back and forth. The guards are shouting. Afterwards, LONE STARR comes out in the SLENDER DOOR GUARD'S uniform. BARF comes out in the CHUBBY DOOR GUARD'S uniform. His tail is sticking out the back of the pants. They walk to the door. LONE STARR unlocks the door with the key on the uniform. They walk in.
INT. PRISON DOME - FRONT HALL - NIGHT
LONE STARR and BARF walk down a hall. They notice a PRISON GUARD walking down the hall towards them. LONE STARR and BARF stand against the wall. The PRISON GUARD walks past them. LONE STARR and BARF start walking the way they were going. The PRISON GUARD looks back at them. He notices BARF'S TAIL. He looks forward again.
PRISON GUARD
Nah.
INT. PRISON DOME - ROYAL PRISONS - NIGHT
LONE STARR and BARF walk in. They notice a sign above the doorway. It says, "ROYAL PRISONERS ONLY. MAXIMUM SECURITY."
LONE STARR
She's gotta be in one of these cells.
BARF
Yeah, but which one.
They search in each door. They open the eye slot on each door they look through.
BARF
No.
LONE STARR
No.
VESPA
(O.S.) (sings in deep voice) Nobody knows....
LONE STARR
It's coming from there.
BARF
That can't be her.
LONE STARR and BARF walk towards the cell
VESPA'S singing is coming from.
VESPA
(O.S.) (sings in deep voice) ....the trouble I've seen.
LONE STARR opens the eye slot. He finds VESPA inside. DOT is sleeping next to her.
VESPA
(sings in deep voice) Nobody knows but Jesus.
LONE STARR
It's her.
BARF
looks in.
VESPA
(sings in deep voice) Nobody knows the trouble I've seen.
BARF
She's a bass.
VESPA
(sings in deep voice) Glory hallelujah.
LONE STARR opens the door with the key he used to open the front door. He and BARF walk in. The door closes on BARF'S TAIL.
BARF
Hieee.
VESPA
What do you what? DOT wakes up.
LONE STARR
(takes off helmet) It's me.
BARF
(takes off helmet) It's us.
VESPA
Lone Starr. How'd you find us?
LONE STARR
No time to talk. C'mon.
BARF
We gotta move.
DOT
Barf. How'd you do it?
LONE STARR pulls VESPA out of the cell. BARF follows with DOT . They sneak out of the hall.
SPACEBALL CITY - INT. PRISON DOME - INNER HALLS - NIGHT
LONE STARR, VESPA, BARF, and DOT start to run for the front door. LONE STARR stops.
SLENDER DOOR GUARD(O.S)
Freeze!
The SLENDER DOOR GUARD and the CHUBBY DOOR GUARD are standing in the hall with their guns. They are in their underwear.
SLENDER DOOR GUARD
Those are the guys that stole our uniforms. (cocks gun)
CHUBBY DOOR GUARD(O.S)
And beat the shit out of us, too. (cocks gun)
LONE STARR cocks his gun. He fires it at the door guards. The door guards run off. Laser blasts come from another hall.
LONE STARR
Ah-oh, we got company.
LONE STARR kneels down and crawls over to the opposite wall. VESPA , BARF, and DOT follow. LONE STARR and BARF fire at the troopers that are firing at them.
BARF
Dammit. That's our only way out.
VESPA
We're trapped!
DOT
Oh, I hate these movies.
LONE STARR and BARF keep firing at the troopers. BARF throws his gun down.
BARF
I'm outta ammo.
LONE STARR
Get back. I'll hold'em off.
LONE STARR and the TROOPERS keep firing at each other.
BARF
I got an idea.
BARF walks over to a quad-pipe loop. LONE STARR stops firing and stands up.
LONE STARR
What are you doing?
BARF starts to pull out the pipes.
DOT
What's he doing?
BARF pulls out half of the pipes. He takes it to the hallway where the firing is coming from. He faces the openings to the TROOPERS. The TROOPERS fire at BARF. The shots go into the pipes. They enter the top and exit the bottom. All the shots hit each TROOPER. When each TROOPER is hit, they fall down.
LONE STARR
Good work.
Laser blasts come out of another hall.
LONE STARR
Ah-oh, more ping-pongs. Run for it.
BARF
Let's go.
BARF starts running down a hall. LONE STARR starts running. VESPA and DOT start running.
VESPA
It's closing.
A door in front of them starts closing vertically.
VESPA
The door is closing.
LONE STAR
Go for the door.
LONE STARR, BARF, DOT, and VESPA jump through the door just before it closes.
SPACEBALL CITY - INT. CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT
TROOPERS come in through another door. LONE STARR, BARF, VESPA and DOT start to get up.
TROOPER
Don't move, or you're dead! Stand up! Captain, we've got them!
The CAPTAIN walks in behind them.
CAPTAIN
Spectacular stunt, my friends, but all for not. Turn around please.
The stunt doubles of LONE STARR, BARF, VESPA, and DOT turn around.
CAPTAIN
Ha. What a pity. What a pity. So, Princess, you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of....
The CAPTAIN looks at VESPA with his mouth open. VESPA'S stunt double is a man with a cigar in his mouth.
CAPTAIN
You idiots! These are not them. You've captured their stunt doubles! Search the area. Find them! Find them!
SPACEBALL CITY - EXT. PRISON DOME - NIGHT
The real BARF,
LONE STARR, VESPA, and DOT come out of the PRISON DOME. LONE STARR is firing at the TROOPERS that follows them out the door. A laser blast hits the lock on a door of the EAGLE 5. BARF runs over to the that door. He tries to open it.
VESPA
Open the door.
BARF
I can't. It's fused.
VESPA
Well, what about this one? (pulls on another door)
BARF
It's locked.
VESPA
Well, where are the keys?
BARF
Inside.
VESPA
Oh, great!
LONE STARR
Duck!
BARF, DOT, and VESPA lean against the EAGLE 5. LONE STARR runs back towards the door that's fused. He hands his gun to VESPA.
LONE STAR
Here, you hold 'em off. I'll get the door.
VESPA
I ain't shootin' this thing. I hate guns.
A TROOPER fires at VESPA'S hair. The laser blast hits it.
DOT
Ah.
VESPA
My hair. He shot my hair. Son of a bitch. (cocks gun)
VEPSA walks toward the TROOPERS. She starts firing at the them. She hits every one of them. BARF and LONE STARR look up.
BARF
Holy shit.
VESPA
(blows the barrel) How was that.
LONE STARR
Not bad.
BARF
Not bad for a girl.
DOT
Hey, that was pretty good for Rambo.
VESPA
Let's blow this joint.
EXT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE
There are foot steps running somewhere on the ship.
INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE
SKROOB is running down the ship towards DARK HELMET and COL SANDURZ.VOICE(O.S.) President Skroob. Salute.
ALL Hail Skroob. (salute)SKROOB (stops running) The ship is too big. If I walk, the movie would be over.
COL SANDURZ
Sir?
SKROOB
Yes, uuh.
SKROOB looks at DARK HELMET. DARK HELMET'S mask is down.
SKROOB
Never have that damn thing down in front of me. How do I know you're not making faces at me under there.
DARK HELMET lifts up his mask. He sticks his tongue out at SKROOB.
COL SANDURZ
President Skroob
SKROOBYes.
DARK HELMET puts his tongue back in his mouth.
COL SANDURZ
There it is: Planet Druidia.
SKROOBAh, Planet Druidia, and ten thousand years of fresh air.
DARK HELMET
(mask up; to Sandurz) The way he runs things, it last a hundred.
SKROOB
What?
DARK HELMET shrugs.
COL SANDURZ
We're beginning metamorphosis, sir.
SKROOBGood. Get on with it.
DARK HELMET
Ready, Kafka?
INT. EAGLE 5 - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA - SPACE
LONE STARR, BARF, VESPA, and DOT are sitting up front. LONE STARR is driving.
LONE STARR
Look. It's Spaceball 1. They've reached the air shield.
DOT
And it's opening.
BARF
How they gonna get the air out? I don't see any hoses or anything.
EXT. SPACEBALL 1 - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA
SPACE SPACEBALL 1 begins to move. It starts to change form.
VESPA
(O.S.) What's happening? The ship it's changing.
SPACEBALL 1 keeps on changing. Arms start to grow out of the side. The rockets turn into feet.
INT. EAGLE 5 - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA - SPACE
BARF
Oh my gosh. It's not just a spaceship. It's a transformer.
EXT. SPACEBALL 1 - ORBIT DRUIDIA - SPACE
The front of the ship starts to turn over.
DOT
(O.S.) It's changing into....
BARF(O.S.)
....a gigantic....
The front turns over to reveal a head similar the Statue of Liberty's head. SPACEBALL 1 has changed into a Statue of Liberty with a maid's outfit and a vacuum cleaner.
VESPA (O.S.)
....maid.
LONE STARR (O.S.)
With a vacuum cleaner.
BARF (O.S.)
So that's how they're gonna to get the air out.
INT. MEGA MAID - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA - SPACE
The front of the ship is almost the same, except for the escape pods at the top.
COL SANDURZ
Metamorphoses is completed, sir. Spaceball 1 has now become.... (looks at the timpanist) The TIMPANIST plays a sort of fanfare on the timpani.
COL SANDURZ
....Mega Maid.
DARK HELMET
(mask up) Good.
SKROOBRemarkable.
DARK HELMET
Now, commence Operation: Vacu-suck.
EXT. MEGA MAID - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA - SPACE
A finger flips a switch on the vacuum to "ON." The vacuum starts up.
PLANET DRUIDIA - SURFACE - DAY
The vacuum sucks up snow off of a mountain. It sucks up trees out of a forest.
INT. MEGA MAID - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA - SPACE
SKROOB, DARK HELMET, and COL SANDURZ
Suck. Suck. Suck.
PLANET DRUIDIA - INT. PALACE - ROLAND'S ROOM - DAY
ROLAND is looking at a picture of VESPA. He is having trouble breathing.
ROLAND
Goodbye, little VESPA. My little baby, VESPA. (faints)
INT. EAGLE 5 - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA - SPACE
VESPA
The air bag, it's almost full.
LONE STAR
We've gotta act fast. Step 1, we reverse the vacuum and blow the air back on the planet; step 2, we destroy that thing.
VESPA
But isn't that dangerous?
LONE STARR
Extremely, plus, I don't know how the hell we're gonna do it.
BARF
What about that ring Yogurt gave you?
LONE STARR
Oh yeah.
LONE STARR pulls the Schwartz ring out of his pocket.
LONE STAR
But....
BARF
C'mon, boss, give it a shot.
LONE STARR
Okay. Here goes nothing.
LONE STARR
points the ring at the vacuum.EXT. MEGA MAID - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA - SPACE The switch on the vacuum starts to glow and move towards the reverse part of the vacuum.
VESPA
(O.S.) Look at that. Wow.BARF(O.S.) It....it's working.
VESPA
(O.S.) C'mon Schwartz.
VESPA
, BARF, &
DOT
(O.S.) C'mon Schwartz. C'mon Schwartz. C'mon Schwartz.The switch flips over to the reverse part. The vacuum starts blowing air back on the planet.INT. MEGA MAID - SPACE
SKROOBHelmet, what's going on?
DARK HELMET
(mask down) Sandurz, what's going on?
COL SANDURZ
It's Mega Maid. She gone from suck to blow.DARK HELMET and
COL SANDURZ
react.
SKROOBWhat? They're getting all their air back. (to Helmet) Do something. DARK HELMET (to Sandurz) Do something.
COL SANDURZ
(in microphone) Do something.PLANET DRUIDIA - SURFACE - DAY The snow is dumped back on the mountain. The trees are planted back in the same spots.INT. PALACE - ROLAND'S ROOM - DAY Air starts to come in. ROLAND wakes up.
ROLANDI'm breathing. Air. Air!
EXT. MEGA MAID - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA - SPACE EAGLE 5 flies in the ear of the head.
INT. EAGLE 5 - INT. MEGA MAID - EAR CANAL - SPACE
LONE STARR
Dim the lights.
BARF
Dimming the lights. (hits a switch)The lights go out.
LONE STARR
Go to inferred.
BARF
Going to inferred. (turns a knob)
LONE STARR
Prey to God.
BARF
Preying to God.The inferred light comes on. The television monitor shows a layout of the ear canal. It shows how the EAGLE 5 is maneuvering through the canal.
LONE STARR
turns on the scanning switch.
DOT
Careful. Careful.
BARF
What are you doin'?
LONE STAR
Scanning. There's gotta be a self- destruct mechanism somewhere in the central brain area.The scanner looks around the ship.
LONE STARR
I think we just found it.
VESPA
Where?
LONE STARR
Watch.
LONE STAR
hits a switch. The television monitor shows a a red flashing button.
LONE STARR
Bingo. There it is. It's right below us. Put her in hover, Barf.
BARF
Putting her hover.
LONE STARR
I'm goin' down there. (walks toward the door)
BARF
He's goin' down there. I wouldn't.EXT. EAGLE - INT. MEGA MAID - EAR CANAL - SPACE
LONE STARR
walks down the ladder. He walks over to the emergency exit door. He opens the door and walks in. When the door closes the silent emergency alarm goes off.INT. MEGA MAID - EXT. SELF-DESTRUCT ROOM - SPACE A GUARD is standing next to the door to the self destruct room.
LONE STARR
sneaks up on him and tries to knock him out with the Vulcan Neck Pinch. GUARD reacts.GUARD (MILA) What the hell are you doin'?
LONE STARR
The Vulcan Neck Pinch.GUARD (MILA) No, no, stupid, you've got it much too high. It's down here where the shoulder meets the neck.
LONE STARR
changes his hand position.
LONE STARR
Like this?GUARD (MILA) Yeah. (falls down unconscious)
LONE STARR
Thanks.
LONE STARR
takes the key card from the GUARD'S belt. He uses it in the panel to open the door. The panel opens up showing an outline of a hand.PANEL'S VOICE Hand print identification, please. Hand print identification, please.PANEL'S VOICE keeps repeating.
LONE STARR
takes the glove off the hand of the guard. He puts it in the outline. The voice stops. It scans the hand. A door opens next to the panel.
LONE STARR
Thanks again. (knocks on Guard's helmet)
LONE STARR
goes in the door.INT. SELF-DESTRUCT ROOM - SPACE
LONE STARR
walks in. He notices green bars guarding the self- destruct button.SELF-DESTRUCT GUARD Is that you Mila?
LONE STARR
reacts. He points the Schwartz ring at a can of Spaceballs-the Shaving Cream. It starts to move towards him. The SELF-DESTRUCT GUARD reacts. He turns around to
LONE STARR
who catches the can.SELF-DESTRUCT GUARD Who are you? What are you doing with that?
LONE STARR
This.
LONE STARR
sprays shaving cream in the eyes of the SELF-DESTRUCT GUARD. The SELF-DESTRUCT GUARD screams and opens his mouth.
LONE STARR
sprays the cream down his mouth. The SELF-DESTRUCT GUARD falls down unconscious.
LONE STAR
Sweet dreams.
LONE STARR
takes the card off the SELF-DESTRUCT GUARD'S belt. He inserts it into a panel and moves a switch to pull up the green bars. The green bars disappear.
LONE STARR
walks up to the self-destruct button. It says, "DO NOT PUSH UNLESS YOU REALLY, REALLY, MEAN IT."
LONE STARR
begins to press the button.
DARK HELMET
(mask down) Not so fast,
LONE STARR
. (walks in)
LONE STARR
Helmet. So, at last we meet for the first time for the last time. (thinks about what he said) Yeah.
DARK HELMET
Before you die, there is something you should know about us,
LONE STARR
.
LONE STAR
What?
DARK HELMET
I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former room-mate.
LONE STARR
What's that make us?
DARK HELMET
Absolutely nothing. Which is what you are about to become. Prepare to die.
DARK HELMET
puts his Schwartz ring on. He puts his hands next to his crouch. A green light beam similar to a light saber.
LONE STARR
does the same.
DARK HELMET
You have the ring, and I see your Schwartz is as big as mine.Both look at their beams.
DARK HELMET
Now let's see how well you handle it.
DARK HELMET
walks over to
LONE STARR
and starts to fight with him. They swipe at each other with their beams.
DARK HELMET
pulls back a little too far and knocks off the sound manager from the stage crew. He screams and falls off a ledge.
LONE STARR
and DARK HELMET stop fighting.
DARK HELMET
Ummm, he did it.
LONE STARR
What?
LONE STAR
swipes at DARK HELMET. DARK HELMET blocks it. They start fighting again. They swipe at each other until their beams become twisted.
DARK HELMET
Shit. I hate it when I get my Schwartz twisted. Okay, maybe if my put leg up on yours we can split apart.
DARK HELMET
puts his foot on
LONE STARR
'S leg.
DARK HELMET
Good, yeah. On three; one, two, three, go.
DARK HELMET
and
LONE STARR
pull away from each other. Their beams disappear. DARK HELMET looks up and recreates his beam. He points it at
LONE STARR
.
LONE STARR
does the same and points his at DARK HELMET. They move in closer. Their beams touch ends. They are trying to cause the other to lose their beam. DARK HELMET loses his beam.
LONE STARR
swipes at DARK HELMET'S helmet. It doesn't make a mark. He tries again, same. He tries again, same. DARK HELMET lifts his mask up and laughs at him. LONE STARR'S beam disappears. He punches DARK HELMET'S face. DARK HELMET'S mask falls down. He recreates his beam and charges at
LONE STARR
.
LONE STARR
holds him back with his hand. DARK HELMET swipes at him several times.
LONE STARR
lets go of DARK HELMET. DARK HELMET runs into a locker with his helmet.
DARK HELMET
So, Lone Starr, Yogurt has taught you well. If there is one thing I despise, it is a fair fight. But if I must than I must. May the best man win. Put 'er there. (offers to shake his hand)
LONE STARR
goes to shake his hand. DARK HELMET takes the ring off
LONE STARR
'S hand.
DARK HELMET
The ring. I can't believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book. What a goof. What's with you man? Come on. You know what? No, here let me give it back to you. (offers the ring back)
LONE STARR
goes up to get the ring back. DARK HELMET throws it in a grate. The ring goes in the grate.
LONE STARR
tries to catch it and falls to the grate.
DARK HELMET
Oh, look. You fell for that, too. I can't believe it man.
LONE STARR
gets up and runs to a corner.
DARK HELMET
So, Lone Starr, now you see that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb.
DARK HELMET
fires a green beam at
LONE STARR
.
LONE STARR
dodges. DARK HELMET tries again.
LONE STARR
dodges. DARK HELMET tries again.
LONE STARR
dodges.
LONE STARR
backs into another corner.
DARK HELMET
Very impressive,
LONE STARR
. Too bad this isn't the Wide World of Sports.YOGURT'S VOICE Use the Schwartz,
LONE STARR
. Use the Schwartz.
LONE STARR
I can't. I lost the ring.YOGURT'S VOICE(O.S.) Forget the ring. The ring is pumpkin. I found it in a Cracker Jack box. The Schwartz is in you,
LONE STARR
. It's in you.
LONE STARR
All right. I'll try.
DARK HELMET
Say goodbye to your two best friends, and I don't mean your pals in the Winnebago.
LONE STAR
points his fist at a mirror on a shelf. It starts to move towards him. DARK HELMET fires another green beam at his crouch.
LONE STARR
catches the mirror, and cover his crotch. The beam reflects off the mirror to DARK HELMET. It hits DARK HELMET'S crotch. DARK HELMET falls back into the self-destruct button and activates it.SHIP'S VOICE Thank you for pressing the self-destruct button. This ship will self-destruct in three minutes.
LONE STARR
runs out of the room.INT. MEGA MAID - SPACE An alarm starts going off. Red lights start flashing. SKROOB and
COL SANDURZ
react.
SKROOBWhat's going on? Where the hell are we, Paris?SHIP'S VOICE Thank you for pressing the self-destruct button. This ship will self-destruct in exactly two minutes and forty-five seconds.
SKROOBYou've got to stop it. Is there any to stop it?
COL SANDURZ
I can't. It's irreversible.
SKROOBLike my raincoat.
COL SANDURZ
(in microphone) Attention. This is Colonel Sandurz in forward command. Abandon ship. Abandon ship.Everyone on the ship starts to panic and run like crazy.
COL SANDURZ
(in microphone) All personnel, proceed to escape pods. Close down the circus. Evacuate the zoo. Self-destruct mechanism has been activated. Abandon ship.
SKROOBSandurz, Sandurz, you've got to help me. I don't know what to do. I can't make decisions. I'm the president.SHIP'S VOICE This is your two minute warning. This ship will self-destruct in exactly two minutes.
COL SANDURZ
Launch all escape pods as soon as they are filled.INT. EAGLE 5 - INT. MEGA MAID - EAR CANAL - SPACE
VESPA
What's happening? Where is he? Where is he?
LONE STARR
(walks in) Here. We've got a minute and forty before the end of the world. Hang on.EXT. EAGLE 5 - INT. MEGA MAID - EAR CANAL - SPACE Two troopers come out of the emergency door with guns. They get under the EAGLE 5 and start firing at the floor.INT. EAGLE 5 - INT. MEGA MAID - EAR CANAL - SPACE
LONE STARR
Full throttle.
BARF
Full throttle. (pulls on throttle)
LONE STARR
Go to hyperjets.
BARF
Going to hyperjets. (pulls on hyper-lever)EAGLE 5 takes off. Everyone inside is pushed back with the sudden burst of speed.INT. MEGA MAID - SPACE
COL SANDURZ
climbs the ladder and looks in the first escape pod. He moves on to the next one. SKROOB follows him. He looks in the first pod.
SKROOBHey, get outta there. Where do you think you're going?PIZZA GUY Pizza to go. (laughs)The PIZZA GUY pulls on a lever. The door closes from the top. The pod takes off. DARK HELMET walks up a ladder to his pod. A bearded woman is getting into it.
DARK HELMET
Hey, hey, that's my escape pod. Who are you?BEARDED LADY I'm the bearded lady. What are you? One of the freaks?The BEARDED LADY knees DARK HELMET in the crouch. She laughs. She gets in the pod and takes off. DARK HELMET looks in the window of the door.
DARK HELMET
No. Come back you fat, bearded, bitch.SKROOB, COL SANDURZ, and DARK HELMET don't notice a bear getting in the last pod.
SKROOBOne pod left, and three of us, and I'm the president. Well boys it's a very lovely ship. I think you should go down with it. Good-bye.SKROOB gets in the pod. He sits on the bear. He tries to buckle the arms of the bear like there are a seat belt. He looks at the bear and reacts. The bear chases him out of the pod. The bear closes the door and waves at SKROOB. The pod takes off.SHIP'S VOICE This ship will self destruct in twenty seconds. This is your last chance to push the cancellation button.
SKROOBCancellation button? Hurry.They all slide down a ladder. They run to the center of the ship.
DARK HELMET
Where is it? Where is it.
COL SANDURZ
It's gotta be here.
COL SANDURZ
opens a panel to the self-destruct cancellation button. It has a sign on that says, "OUT OF ORDER."
COL SANDURZ
Out of order?
DARK HELMET
Fuck. Even in the future nothing works.
SHIP'S VOICEThis ship will self-destruct in exactly ten seconds.SKROOB, COL SANDURZ, and DARK HELMET react. They scrunch up together.
SHIP'S VOICECounting down. Ten, nine, eight, six....
SKROOBSix? What happened to seven?
SHIP'S VOICEJust kidding.
SKROOB, COL SANDURZ, and DARK HELMET react.
INT. EAGLE 5 - INT. MEGA MAID - EAR CANAL - SPACE They are driving close to the end of the canal.
VESPA
There's the other end. Faster.
SHIP'S VOICE Seven, six, five....
INT. MEGA MAID - SPACE
SHIP'S VOICE ....four, three, two, one. Have a nice day.
SKROOB, DARK HELMET and COL SANDURZ
Thank you.
EXT. MEGA MAID - SPACE The EAGLE 5 comes out of the opposite ear, and it starts to fly away. MEGA MAID explodes. The EAGLE 5 just makes it out of the explosion.
VESPA
(O.S.) We did it!
INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE
VESPA hugs BARF. DOT is dancing. LONE STARR is cheering. VESPA turns to hug LONE STARR They start to kiss, but they stop.
LONE STARR
We all did it.
PLANET DRUIDIA - INT. EAGLE 5 - MORNING
LONE STARR and BARF are watching the news.
NEWS MAN ....so I guess you might call that a case of man bites druid. (laughs) On a sadder note, Pizza the Hut (famed half-man, half-pizza) was found dead earlier today in the back seat of his stretched limo. Evidently, the notorious gangster became locked in his car, and ate himself to death. Coming up, Pongo's review of Rocky five....thousand. Pongo.
BARF
laughs and turns off the television.
BARF
Did you here that? Pizza kicked the bucket. Now we don't have to pay him the million. We can keep it for ourselves.
LONE STAR
Yeah.
EXT. PALACE - DAY EAGLE 5 flies in and circles around the palace then lands on the ground.
INT. PALACE - THRONE ROOM - DAY
The DOOR MAN opens the door to let VESPA, LONE STARR, BARF, and DOT in. VESPA runs to ROLAND.
VESPA
Daddy. (runs to hug Roland) Oh, daddy.
ROLAND
VESPA, my darling. I thought I'd never see you again. Oh, my sweet little daughter. I'm so happy that home and safe. And little VESPA, here's someone else who's happy to see you.
ROLAND reveals VALIUM asleep in a chair. A man who was talking to ROLAND hits VALIUM. VALIUM wakes up.
VALIUM
Oh, hello. (yawns) Where've you been?
EXT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE EAGLE 5 is flying into space away from the camera.
EXT. DINER - SPACE EAGLE has landed on the platform.
INT. DINER - SPACE A waitress is talking to the cashier. The cashier gives her something.
WAITRESS
Thanks, hon.
LONE STARR and BARF walk in. They sit at the bar. The WAITRESS walks towards them. She gives them water.
WAITRESS
(to Barf) Hi, big stuff. (to LONE STARR Hi, dream. (to both) What'll you have?
LONE STARR
We've just got a few minutes while were gasin' up. What's ready?
WAITRESS
I can give the Space Soup or the Space Special.
LONE STARR
Ummmmm, I'll have the soup.
WAITRESS
Okay. (writes the order)
BARF
I'll have the cleavage, ur, the special.
WAITRESS
Okay, I have one special and one soup.
The WAITRESS comes up behind them to a table. BARF'S TAIL is wagging and is going up the waitress's mini-skirt.
WAITRESS
You ready to order?
CUSTOMER
Hi, yes. We'll both have the luna fish.
WAITRESS
Okay, anything to drink? (turns around) Hey, hey, watch you're stickin' that thing.
BARF
(turns around) Huh? Oh, look, it's got a mind of it's own, sweetheart. I can't do a thing with it. (laughs)
The WAITRESS walks away to another table. BARF howls like a dog. LONE STARR hits him.
BARF
What?
Some people are sitting at the other end of the bar. One of them is telling a story. One of them (JOHN HURT) is eating.
GUY AT BAR
We were lost. None of us knew where we were. And then Harry began feelin' around on all the trees. And then he says, "I got it: we're on Pluto. And we said, "Harry how can you tell?" He said, "From the bark you dummies. (laughs) From the bark. (laughs)
JOHN HURT starts to act like he's choking on his food. Then he grabs his stomach like he has indigestion.
WOMAN AT BAR
Is he all right?
GUY AT BAR
Yeah, this guy digs me.
JOHN HURT spits out some of his food. They lie him down on the bar. LONE STARR and BARF look and react.
WOMAN AT BAR
Bring some water.
GUY AT BAR
Water my ass. Bring this guy some Pempto Bismal.
BARF
Waitress! Waitress, what did order?
The WAITRESS comes over to BARF. She looks over to JOHN HURT.
WAITRESS
Oh, he had the special.
BARF
The spec.... That's what I ordered. Change my order to the soup.
LONE STARR
Good move.
Something is trying to push out of JOHN HURT'S stomach. It eventually comes out. A little alien comes out of his stomach. It growls. JOHN HURT looks at it.
JOHN HURT
Oh, no. Not again.
The ALIEN jumps out of his stomach on to Spaceballs-the Placemat. Some people scream. The ALIEN growls again. Then, it puts on a little hat and starts to dance down the bar.
ALIEN
Hello, my baby. Hello my honey. Hello my rag-time gal. Send me a kiss by wire. Baby my heart's on fire.
The ALIEN dances past LONE STARR and BARF. LONE STARR and BARF react.
ALIEN
The ALIEN goes through doors in the wall. The doors close behind him.
LONE STARR and BARF stand up.
LONE STARR and BARF
Check please.
EXT. CHAPLE - DAY The sign outside says, "TODAY, THE ROYAL WEDDING OF PRINCESS VESPA TO PRINCE VALIUM, TAKE TWO."
INT. CHAPLE - DAY ROLAND and VESPA are standing next to each other. DOT is behind VESPA. The USHER walks in.
USHER
Five minutes to magic time.
ROLAND
Are you all right, my dear. You look a little flighty.
VESPA
Don't worry about me, Father. I'm completely over him. Ha, didn't even stay for the wedding. Just grabbed his million spacebucks and ran.
ROLAND
He didn't take the million.
VESPA
He didn't?
ROLAND
No. He just took two hundred and forty-eight spacebucks for lunch, gas, and tolls.
INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE
BARF
I still can't believe you turned down the money. At least we could've stayed for the wedding feast. I'm starvin'. Have you got anything to eat.
LONE STARR
Na. Oh, wait. Yogurt gave me that fortune cookie. (gets the cookie out of his pocket) Here, chow down. (hands it to Barf)
BARF
(takes it) Wow, thanks. I'll split it with ya.
LONE STARR
No.
BARF
Okay.
BARF opens the cookie. A stream of gold glitter comes out of the cookie and flies over the doorway. LONE STARR and BARF react. The stream stops at the doorway. It turns into YOGURT. He has gold glittery streams coming out of him.
LONE STARR and BARF
Yogurt.
YOGURT
Hello, boys. Well, you opened your fortune cookie, so here's your fortune. Lone Starr, you know that medallion that you wear around your neck, but you don't know what it means?
LONE STARR takes the medallion out of his shirt.
YOGURT
Well, here's what it means: it's a royal birth certificate. Yes. Your father was a king. Your mother was a queen. Which makes you a certified prince.
LONE STARR
Hey, I'm a prince. I'm a prince. Which means....
YOGURT
Which means, if you hurry, there could be a princess in your future. Now, if you want to get back there before she marries Sleeping Beauty, there's and special can of fuel in your glove compartment. Good luck, boys.
BARF
Bye, Yogurt.
LONE STAR
And, Yogurt, thanks.
YOGURT
You're welcome. And my the Schwartz be with you..... (starts to fade away) .....oh...oh....what a world, what a world. (completely fades out)
LONE STARR
Barf, open that glove compartment.
BARF
You got it, your highness.
BARF opens the glove compartment and pulls out a can of Liquid Schwartz.
BARF
Wow, Liquid Schwartz.
LONE STARR
Quick, pour it in the emergency tank.
BARF
Right.
BARF
opens the emergency tank lid in the floor. He pours the Liquid Schwartz in the tank. As he pours, the tank starts to glow yellow.
LONE STARR
Look at that.
BARF
Done.
BARF
closes the lid and sits up.
LONE STARR
Hang on, Barfo, we're gonna make space-tracks. (turns the wheel shapely)
EXT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE EAGLE turns around sharply and leaves space-tracks where it turned.
EXT. MEGA MAID'S HEAD - ORBIT OF PLANET OF THE APES - SPACE The head falls toward the planet. SKROOB, COL SANDURZ, and DARK HELMET are screaming.
PLANET OF THE APES - BEACH - DAY The head falls toward the beach and crashes on the sand. Two apes riding horses ride towards the head. They stop when they see something moving.
1ST APE
Dear me, what are those things coming out of her nose?
The 2ND APE looks through binoculars. He sees COL SANDURZ on the ground, DARK HELMET is climbing down a rope, followed by SKROOB. SKROOB steps on DARK HELMET'S helmet.
DARK HELMET
(mask up) Hey, hey, watch my helmet.
The 2ND APE stops looking in the binoculars.
2ND APE
Spaceballs?
1ST APE
Oh shit, there goes the planet.
INT. CHAPLE - ALTAR - DAY
The MINISTER is conducting the wedding ceremony.
MINISTER
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here together (pause) again....
VESPA
(to Roland) Why didn't you tell he didn't take the money?
ROLAND
I didn't think it was important.
MINISTER
May I continue, please?
ROLAND
Besides, he asked me not to tell you.
MINISTER
Thank you. ....to join Princess VESPA and Princess Valium. I'm sorry, it's the hair. Prince Valium in the bonds of holy matrimony.
VESPA
I see it all now. Don't you see he loves me?
MINISTER
Excuse me, I'm trying to conduct a wedding here which has nothing to do with love. Please be quiet.
VESPA
I'm sorry.
ROLAND
I'm sorry.
VALIUM
I'm sorry, too.
MINISTER
Don't be sorry, be quiet.
VESPA, ROLAND, VALIUM
I'm sorry.
MINISTER
....to join Princess VESPA and Prince Valium in the bonds of holy....
EAGLE 5 flies over.
MINISTER
....moly.
AUDIENCE reacts.
MINISTER
Matrimony.
VESPA
That's him. I know it's him. He's come back.
MINISTER
That's it. We're gonna take no more chances and to do it with the short version. (faster) Do you Prince Valium take Princess VESPA to be your lawfully wedded wife.
VALIUM
(yawns) Uh-huh.
MINISTER
(fast) Princess VESPA, do you take Prince Valium to be your lawfully wedded husband.
VESPA
Uh....well....I suppose. Oh, I don't know.
LONE STARR and BARF the doorway behind everybody.
LONE STARR
No, she doesn't
MINISTER
What?
ALL react.
LONE STARR and BARF walk down the aisle. He stops half way.
MINISTER
Who the hell are you?
LONE STARR
Prince LONE STARR.
VESPA
Prince?
LONE STARR
I just found out. That's what this says. I'm an honest to God prince. Will you marry me?
VESPA
Well, let me think about it. (pushes Valium) Yes.
LONE STARR
walks onto the altar.
MINISTER
I'm sick of this. I don't give a damn who it is, but I'm gonna marry somebody today. (to Barf) Who are you?
BARF
I'm the best man.
MINISTER
What's you name?
BARF
Barf.
MINISTER
Your full-name.
BARF
Barfolomew.
MINISTER
Are you the one getting married?
BARF
No.
MINISTER
Then get over there.
BARF reacts and moves to the left of the altar.
MINISTER
Okay. Here we go, the short-short version. (to LONE STARR} Do you?
LONE STARR
Yes.
MINISTER
Do you?
VESPA
Yes.
MINISTER
Good. You're married. Kiss her.
LONE STARR
I love you.
VESPA
I love you.
LONE STARR and VESPA kiss. AUDIENCE applaud. BARF starts to cry.
DOT
Well, (sniff) good-bye Virgin Alarm.
EXT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE EAGLE 5 takes off into space. It has, "JUST MARRIED" written on the back. The jets are leaving a stream of gold glitter behind. They form the words, "MAY THE SCHWARTZ BE WITH YOU."
ROLL MAIN CAST and CREDITS.
THE END